Let's be honest... I do this for the fabulous reading material it makes. Well, for that and the cash flow. I never thought that my life was all that interesting or that my story was of any significance to anyone else. Even when other people told me that they could completely relate or that only outrageous things ever happened to me i never truly believed that. I started keeping a record to have just that a record. One that i could look back on and laugh, and want to punch past tense me, and feel some sort of sense of history. Who knew i would entertain others. I was a crappy english student, well, if I'm being honest i was a wonderful English student in everything but grammar. I said "eff you" to dangling participles, and run on sentences, and proper punctuation, and capitalization... I am a publishers dream and an editors nightmare but i have never claimed to be anything different. When i began to write i thought too much. I thought too much and shared to much and put myself out there like an emotional beggar. Pleading for someone to accept me, and love me and when i didn't find those things i cried on my blog about how it wasn't going to happen for me. Blah, blah, blah. I wonder if someone would have showed me in some sort of crystal ball where i would be now (literally RIGHT now) i never ever ever would have tried so hard. I never would have been so insecure, i would have been more self assured, i would have not felt like every pretty girl was somehow a threat to my survival. No, i would have gone to class without make up. I would have worn low cut shirts to class, not because i wanted boys to stare at my boobs...but because i had boobs and they were mine and they were great. Side note: i still have them...that made it sound like i didn't. I would have been secure in all choices knowing that in the end... I would be perfectly happy being...here. A wise person once told me, you will never be able to right all your wrongs... Nor should you try. If you go about your entire life feeling guilty for the things you've done and the people you've hurt you will never live a free life. How true. On the flip side, i am usually super pissed if someone wrongs me and then doesn't make it right. Let's face it i will cut a bitch. But sometimes, you just have to let those things go and face the fact that we are all just pissing someone else off even if we don't know it. Forgive, because you can't go back and whoever wronged you...can't either. I look back at the beginning blog and say my goodness i needed some sense knocked into me. I needed to tell that me to be honest, but not emotionally whorey, to be kind, but firm, to be open, but cautious and to laugh quickly and forget quickly because from where i sit now i wonder what is was all for. Forgive! Because if you stay bitter your whole life( or you eat meat my mother cooks) you end up getting horrific intestinal issues. So i guess what i am saying is... Forgive or get explosive butt piss.
A lesson learned- k
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