Let's get serious...

Tonight while I was getting ready for church I began to think about writing this blog entry... anyone who knows me at all (and let's be honest...the only people READING this blog are people who know me) will probably understand that this is coming from a place of reflection and not anger or bitterness or judgment. That is a fine line for me to tread on this subject because for SO long I was angry and bitter and judgmental. This story began long ago and while I'm not affected by it every day (or rather, I do not LET it affect me everyday) that angry, bitter, judgey place rears it's ugly head.

Around this time 5 years ago I was dropping the bomb on everyone that I. Was. Pregnant. Which would be fine except that I was not married, the babies' father and I had split up months ago, i had no job, and for so long had been the conservative christian poster child. I didn't drink (lie), I didn't smoke (also a lie), I didn't have promiscuous sex (oh, wait...knocked up)...I lead a young girl's bible study (true), I lead the singing in my church (also true), and I had just taken a semester off from my Christian college to figure out WHAT i was going to major in (oh, yes...also true). I KNEW what would happen if I carried this baby to term. obviously i couldn't be cut out of the circles i had grown so accustom to living a lie in... i would just continue that lie and terminate the baby. now, i know some of you are reading this and your jaws are dropping...guess what, I was that person too. Who would EVER kill a BABY?!? Well, when you don't see it as a baby and you don't see ANY other options you start to think that it's just another lie you can add to the NUMEROUS other lies you've been hiding in your life. UNTIL... i met maya.

Maya is now a first grader and when I met maya she was a 5 month old with RSV. Her desperate grandmother had asked if i could watch her while she went to work since she couldn't send her to pre-school with RSV. I agreed cause i needed the extra cash and after spending a day with Maya I realized that "holy crap, I'm going to have one of THESE in a YEAR!" and my mom made the now infamous remark when she saw me holding Maya "oh my gosh Karyn, you look like a mom". After realizing the "thing" in me was an actual BABY my entire perspective changed. I knew I couldn't raise a child, I could barely raise myself and so I decided I was going to give the baby up for adoption since she had never really felt like mine.

My parent's ended up finding out I was pregnant IN A TEXT MESSAGE to my ex-boyfriend. OH! and it had a few grand appearances by the "f-word". Whoopsies. My dad asked if it was true, I said yep and then began the agonizing 2 hour long conversation of answering every question they had. I mean, my parent's are absolutely amazing people... don't get me wrong. When I told them I wanted to give the baby up for adoption they were supportive and said it was my decision. From there on out I was having to tell everyone I knew (most of my friends were SUPER conservative since most were from college and church...). Some people were REALLY amazing...but there were others...

From the time I started telling people (5 months into my pregnancy) that i was pregnant it felt like an onslaught of horrible choices made by other people. I expected people to say, "oh wow, we're so surprised, what are your plans?, how can we help?, and even... we're disappointed in your choice to have sex outside of marriage (which by that time I had been doing that for 6 years) but here are some of the ones that I got instead: "How could you?" "How long have you been sexually active"- This asked by my pastor... "Do you know how bad this makes us look?" or statements like "I'm not surprised", "You need to get up and apologize in front of the entire church", "You can't give this baby up for adoption", "You should have had an abortion"...

These questions and statements above are just a few of the questions and statements said by LEADERS in the church. For some of you, that just blew your minds and some of you are thinking...and??

After I had Kait and she was adopted by an AMAZING family that I am thankful for every single day of my life. I became really REALLY depressed. Like... I didn't care about living, i just wanted to cry, and drink, and take ambien. I started to replay every single thing that had been said to me and said ABOUT me. I BELIEVED all these things and I started to think... if these are the people who are christians...who are CHRIST FOLLOWERS...if these are the people who are supposed to be Jesus... I want NOTHING to do with them OR him. I slowly came out of my depression but that thought and those feelings of doubt remained and quite honestly, looking back on it now... I don't blame me. I didn't know WHO jesus was, all my life I had seen him as this judgmental badger face who Smote the sinners and gave the good kids crowns and fluffy sheep. Now all he was to me were people who hated me...not "the sin" sorry all you people out there who thought talking behind my back and saying hateful things was hating "the sin" it really was hating me.

But slowly, surely...God brought people around me who showed me who Jesus really was. My parents who held me in the dark of a hospital room as i lost my mind at the thought of giving away MY baby, My dear friend Jalaina who spent the night with me and held my hand and reassured me the day Kaity was adopted, My precious friend Aaron who spoke to me honestly and spoke of a greater love than one that i had for myself a love that defied understanding and logic, the Bruners, The Behny's, The Yeh's, Nadine, Jo Faulkner who told me it was time to stop punishing myself, My sweet husband who at the time was just my friend who sat on the back porch with me and held me tight in the kitchen of his home as i broke down sobbing and helped me learn what it meant to love myself again before he EVER asked me on a date, and Miss Mac who sat across the table from me at an applebees and uttered these words "don't take everything that other people say as truth, because some of it's not."

Jesus commands us to love Him and to love others. Pretty simple eh? Yet somehow, the mark was completely missed in my situation by those who He commanded (well, some of those). For SO long I let those people who had said those hurtful things in the name of the Lord keep me away from the real Jesus. I blamed my absence from the presence of the Lord on them because...that was easier. I had someone to point the finger to. I had someone to be angry at and then that anger turned into bitterness and my soul was consumed. I couldn't sit through church, I couldn't sing worship songs, I couldn't bring myself to be around those who hurt me. This summer God began tugging on my heart. He began to soften my heart to those had hurt me...for no reason other than I begun to realize my bitterness and hatred and anger hadn't affected those who I had been bitter and angry and had hated...nope, it only affected me and my walk with God. I began to do PAINFUL things to break through the chains that had held me for so long. Things that when I told my parents or steve i was doing they asked me "umm, are you SURE you want to do that??" I started praying for those I had been SO angry with asking God to bless them and to turn their hearts towards Him. What has followed has been an INCREDIBLY strange set of circumstances...

I am no longer bitter... my heart has DEFINITELY been softened. There are some days when the anger hits but it no longer consumes me and when it does I have to test and approve what I'm saying or thinking. I am doing my best not to count my hurt against those who hurt me...which is some days...harder than it seems.I am once again going to church. With a church family i love. I can't stress that enough...i LOVE them.

I know this has been SUPER long but I had just been thinking about it on my way into church today and wanted to get it all out:)